what's worth living for?

Sometimes, i'm almost sure i know what i want to do... so full of confidence... thought i'd had everything planned out... yea.. but at times, i still feel so lost..

i'm going ntu in abt a month's time, and that's a fact. my parents want me 2 at least give it a try. i really have wonderful parents, u know? they said they don't wanna give me any pressure, so, at any point, if i feel that it's too much 4 me 2 handle, i can juz quit n find a job. of course, if i can take it, they'd like 2 see me enjoying the stuff i do. u know, they hope i can excel in it, but they cool with it if i can't.. they juz don't want me 2 be so stressed up that i'll end up in woodbridge.. yea.

there r certain issues that bug me now.. what electives 2 choose.. coz i need 2 let the course manager know what track i'm gonna be taking so that we can plan out my subject exemptions n stuff. which means, i most prob have 2 let her know which r the electives that i'm considering when i go meet her. i haven't got that sorted out yet, so i haven't email her abt the meeting. well, anyway, i'll do it 2moro. i promise i will. i have no job at the moment, so no excuse!!!

i'm thinking of journalism, coz that was what i took during CMM final sem. i'll try 2 see if there's really a way 2 avoid the news-related stuff. i suck at it, so i dun wanna dig my own grave. u see, poly students have this advantage of choosing what they want and what they don't. i mean, we've gone thru some of the stuff, so we more or less know what we can handle n what we can't... i'm also considering the PR/marketing track, coz it seems like that's the 1 that offers the widest prospects. i dunno.. going 2 "yan jiu" a bit more 2moro.. gonna print out the subject sypnoses n have a good look at them.. yea..

next, i'm thinking of whether 2 stay at the hostel or not. i know it's more convenient, n it allows me more zzz. n more zzz means better concentration ability, which will result in better performance, better grades (supposedly), theoretically bah.. but then, i dun wanna share toilet with ppl lar!!! i wanna rent a room near ntu. i guess that'll give me more privacy... n freedom bah? heehee.. i'm hoping andy gets an 8-5 vocation as a result of him downgrading his pes status (crooked backbone) so that he can accompany me more....

haiz.. dunno lar... sometimes i really hate the kinda stuff we need 2 do. i mean, we don't necessarily have 2 do them, but when we see everyone else doing it, we follow suit. i hate myself for this. does this equals to lack of individuality? i don't know. i really don't. what do i really want? education? stable job? high paying job? loving husband n family? kids? i'm more of the sort that yearns emotional connection. i also value family a lot, be it my parents, or my future hubby n kids... education, well, perhaps it might shape my personality a bit, stimulate me 2 think from many angles.... land me in a good job.. but is that what i really want?

maybe it's coz i know andy isn't those that is good in studies, not those that knows how 2 "por" ppl so that he can get promotions. am i losing confidence in him? no. coz i will support him in whatever he does. because i love him. who doesn't have flaws? he's juz not the kind who's good with words... but he's a stable n loyal chap.. down to earth. that's what attracted me 2 him in the 1st place, n it's unfair 2 talk abt his flaws when i knew they existed right from the beginning. it's juz how different ppl have different traits n characteristics.. but this doesn't stop me from worrying abt his future. i juz want him 2 have a stable job too. i have 2 admit i'm kinda disappointed when he rejected the senior tech offer. maybe i'm too selfish. maybe he really doesn't like the job. argh.... can we fast forward things? i'm sick n tired of this phase in my life. i'm not like other youngsters who go chiong with friends, who party all night long, who can take part in activities without parents nagging... all i have are my parents, my sis, n my andy. it's not that i have no life or what. it's juz that i find pleasure in hanging out with these ppl... that's all.. i mean, i have no problem interacting with friends n stuff, but ultimately, what matters most 2 me r still my family members n my bf.

argh... i wanna get married. i wanna stay beside my hubby n support him while he does his work n stuff like that. i wanna take care of our kids, teach them manners, guide them along n make sure they grow up 2 be responsible adults. let them have some amt of freedom, nicely tell them why i disallow certain stuff, teach them 2 judge the rights n wrongs...... i dunno if a lot of females r like what i am now. i don't really have the desire 2 pursue a dream or what right now. my mind is all abt taking care of my future kids n being a loving wife 2 my future hubby... an mind u, i'm merely 19+..... turning 20 this dec though...

if singapore is still like what it was 20 yrs ago, like my parents' era, i'd most probably heck care everything n get married liao.... but today, the freaking high standard of living is making everyone study as much as they can 2 get a good degree, get a high paying job....where's the enjoyment? u spend 8 hours (or less) a day sleeping, 8-9 hours at work (or sch + doing assignments), 2 hrs for travel on average, n u're left with 6 hours.. bathing, eating, watching tv/reading books, coaching kids 2 do homework... how great if human beings dun need 2 sleep.. maybe eat some pills that will instantly replenish ur energy.. then u'll have much more time with ur loved ones doing stuff u like... how great if life can be like that...